Want
Very recently, I felt passive and complacent. It was a first in my walk with the Lord. In addition to Him feeling light-years away, His Holy, Active, Living Word seemed flat and lifeless. I spent mornings staring at my Bible, doubts assailing me like enemies descending a mountain. Exasperating my state of mind was the fact that I just walked from a sweet time of deep intimacy with the Lord. To go from that to a numb lifelessness was horrible. In it, I did the only thing I knew: I took steps, sometimes tiny, towards Him. I wrote down the truth about His character when everything my messy heart felt was the opposite. When I questioned if it was worth it (following Jesus), I preached Psalm 16:1-2 at my unsure mind. I read the same passage over and over, clinging to the only anchor I knew could hold me steady. I can't remember the day the dark clouds cleared, and I felt like myself, but I know whenever it happened, it was only His grace that got me there.
FAST FORWARD…
Just this week, I've had to ask myself some hard questions. They are questions I've asked before, but are always important to revisit, especially after a season of storms and doubt.
What do I want?
This one little question has vast implications and its answer has boundless repercussions.
Thinking it through…
While in a place of deep anxiety, I sat on my bed praying and worshiping, thereby putting into practice Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
As I did, I was reminded of a post on Instagram by mrs.katie_rios. In it, she says
“LORD, I WANT MORE OF YOU AT ANY COST."
Again…what did I want?
In her post, Katie shared a song called Refiner by Maverick City Music. I decided to listen. Cue a flood of tears and desperate prayers to make the lyrics so in my life.
If the altar's where you meet us
Take me there, take me there
If you're looking for an offering
It's right here, my life is here
I'll be a living sacrifice for you
You're a fire
The refiner
I wanna be consumed
In Romans, Paul appeals to the church, beseeching her to have that mindset:
Romans 12:1
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.
Wanting Him means refining. Wanting Him means pain. Wanting Him means loss.
But it is worth it because He is life itself.
Oh Jesus, refine me, I look to you, no one else will do.
