Into the Fire
The Lord doesn't leave us the person we were when we became believers. He molds and shapes us into believers who look more and more like him. His methods are often topsy-turvey, impractical, inconvenient, confusing, and painful.
It has been almost two years since I lost my church, some friends, and two babies through miscarriage. I thought I'd come to the end of myself. I thought I had nothing left. I thought the Lord had stripped me bare. I was wrong. Rather than leave me as I was, a woman who felt like she finally had some footing, a woman who was excited to walk confidently into the newborn stage again, a woman who was in a season of simplicity, He picked me up and threw me directly in the fire.
This fire is unlike anything I have ever experienced. When a doctor tells you that half of your unborn child's heart is underdeveloped and dying, it is an atomic bomb on your entire life. Suffering is not something someone gets used to. I will always walk through it, wrestle, mourn, and wonder why it feels so unfair (Pslam 73 often communicates what is in my heart). This time, I have done that, but something new has happened. I am deeply aware of my limitations, my need, and the perfect character of my God.
I can't take a supplement to repair my son's heart, I can't get a job to pay the millions of dollars of bills, and I can't provide a life free from hospitals. The list goes on and on.
But what I can do is surrender. In God's Kingdom, weakness, a life of dependence, and a life of surrender all equal impossible strength.
This unworldly freedom and peace comes with saying, "Lord, you have to make every single thing we need to happen, happen. Whatever comes, Your will be done!"
I am praying for a miracle. I know God can do anything.
Knowing He may lead us deeper into this new fire, I am also at peace.
Whatever happens, God is still good and I will continue to trust Him.
Your prayers are appreciated as my little family surrenders to the fire and navigate the unknown road ahead.
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