Dear 34

Dear Thirty-four,

You were the year of bittersweet memories. At thirty-three, I dreamed you'd be like one of those slow but predictably simple days. The type of day that most people often take for granted. I wanted to study alongside my husband at the coffee shop where I worked. I wanted to spend my days off going for walks and cleaning our little apartment. I wanted that honeymoon first year where I got to know my husband in the ease of the mundane. That is not what the Lord gave me. He gave me something incredibly more painful: death.

The process made me feel small and wholly inadequate. I think I came to the end of myself over a dozen times, only to find there was another part of me for the Lord to put to death.

I'm not the same woman I was a year ago. I'm smaller and needier, but that is where I find a genuine sweetness. This sowing of death was an answered prayer, "Refine me. Make me like you. More of you and less of me."  The Lord heard me and answered!

There are many times and probably many more to come when I want the old me back. But in the end, I consider Him and still say in surrender. "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done."

Thirty-four, you were the year of death and winter, but the year that God answered a holy prayer. I am and will always be humbled by you and grateful for you. As I enter thirty-five, I pray and hope spring is coming soon.

bitter

two babies lost

independence lost

job lost

mental and emotional strength drained

(progestrone during pregnancy was so hard)

sweet

Watching my husband be Christ to me as I struggle

The new precious life of Edmund James

Weeks in Maryland with friends

Experiencing the love and care of my family

Watching the Body give generously

Sweet moments with Andrew (spontaneous pool dates, deep conversations before bed, dances in the kitchen)

And so many more......