Dear 36

Dear Thirty-six,

You came on a crisp morning in a city that was not my home, on the tenth floor of a hospital. There was no pomp, no circumstance other than the one you willingly became a casualty of, taking care of Benji boy. Though your coming was unremarkable in the traditional sense, every second, every stored memory was and would always be different from all the years that came before.

Year thirty-six was the year that the Chantelle I knew died.

Death is not always a bad thing, but it is never ever an easy thing. It is certainly a process I would have never chosen for myself. The best way to describe this process is as a war or a battle for something and against something.

I battled for my son's life, which meant battling against the deep desire for everything to be more comfortable, less painful.

I battled for some normalcy for Edmund James (my 1-year-old son), which meant battling against giving in to fatigue and sadness.

I battled for my husband and marriage, which meant battling fear, resentment, and anger.

I battled for joy, which meant battling against the ever-present feeling of loneliness in a very dry land.

I battled and in so many ways won, but not on my own and not without something to cover me from all the fiery arrows that came my way.

Yes, thirty-six, you were the year of death and war, but you were also the year of authentic, deep, and growing faith. Faith, the ancient yet sure shield that reminded me in every painful moment the Author and perfector of my faith had woven beauty and life and possibility through it all.

While I battled, I also experienced a peace like none other.

While I mourned, I rejoiced in all the BIG things that the Lord was doing.

While I felt smaller and more powerless than I’d ever felt before, my Shepherd was more powerful, bigger than I thought was possible. (What a wonderful place to be. TRULY FREEING!)

While I felt wounded and vulnerable, my compassion grew.

While I felt destitute, I watched the Bride give generously to my little family.

While I felt alone, I experienced the presence, help, support, and love of my family (Dad, Mom, Megan, Amber, Bill, Joann, and Stephen) . I could not have done it without them. I am so grateful *insert tears.

While I felt unprepared for it all, the Lord was preparing me for a new thing.

Dear thirty-six, I never want to walk through you again, but you were the year that made me better. I hope I entered thirty-seven more like my precious Lord and Savior.

Dear thirty-seven, oh that you remember the gift thirty-six was. Oh, that you rejoice and surrender in humility on the sweet,sweet days of monotony. Oh, that you continue to walk by faith and fight the good fight. Finally, have fun, love deeply and unconditionally, keep no record of wrong, give generously, and trust the One who writes and holds it all.

With love,

Chantelle